I felt worthless

It was a casual chat with a friend on Skype which sparks the need of me writing this post. He somehow made me came to the realisation of a lot of unnecessary life problems haha.

I was 10 when I first cried for results. The only time I dropped out of the "Top 3" in class and got 7th place in class and an overall 15th in the school. You might think it's such a great results but it took me quite some time to accept it.

Then I was 13 when I cried while drying the clothes at the backyard. I got a First in class in the first semester but the result changed as the school decided to add the moral results which caused me to drop to 3rd in class. Still, an amazing result. But I cried as my mother called and scolded me for not memorising the "nilai murni and definisi". 

PMR. I was 15 and cried in front of the whole school because I received 7A and 1B. I didn't want to but as people were comforting me saying it's alright to get a B I cried. The school announced all the straight As and my name wasn't called but my best friend's. I thought hard what did I not study which she did. 

SPM. I didn't dare to cry but secretly wanting to. 12As. All of my friends were so proud of me but me. And probably my family. Everyone knows we need 9A+ for a bursary but I've only got 6A+. I was so disappointed at myself.

And I thought I would never need to worry about results anymore.

But the innocent me decided to study A-Levels.

I was 18-to-be-19. Opened the result and said "I knew it". And I cried, after everyone left. I cried as I walk to my mom, and she said "this is what you get when you don't study hard enough". 

I was 19. 5% for an A in Physics and I missed the opportunity to enter my dream university. Tears dropped on my pillow every night but no one ever knows. All people say was "You did not study hard enough".

He said, "you've been forcing too much stress on yourself, is it worth it?". I don't know. I still remember those countless nights that I cried because I couldn't remember all the facts for Origins and Development of the UK Economy, the 100 law cases for Business Law A. I tried so hard, and earned a First Class Honours for the first semester. But all I could recall was the time when I called my parents because I was so stressed and wanted some comfort words, but they said "it's because you haven't study hard enough". 

I felt worthless, when I can't prove how good I am through studying. Because all I knew was, "you didn't study hard enough".